How I found Intuitive Painting

I had just retired and was attending a course in Creativity in the Burren College of Art, a life-long passion and dream. The group were having a discussion about their individual journeys in creativity. I realised that I had great difficulty with finding my own voice, I didn’t know what I wanted when it came down to it. After a lifetime of wishing for more time to follow my dreams and be an expressive painter, I didn’t know what I had to express, how to access it, and if I could give myself permission to “strike my note” in the words of Seamus Heaney. As I tried to articulate my struggle, realising I relied on an external authority to validate or approve, or even direct, a young writer listening to me exclaimed “you’re institutionalised!”

It was a ping moment. It struck a chord. I recognised the truth of this statement, and it was shocking to me.

But how could it be any other way? I had spent a lifetime (literally) following a structure and routine, being told what was expected of me, learning and delivering what I had been taught. And this was rewarded. When did I really rely on my own inner knowing? There certainly was no place for it in the increasingly rigid Primary Curriculum. We may have undertaken projects of special interest, but everything was within the confines of a pre-determined set of guidelines and rules and expectations.

I kept taking courses in painting, always coming back to what is authentic art? What do I really want to paint?

I also struggled with the loss of purpose in my life. And I have a wonderful life, husband, family, grandchildren, friends , and many hobbies. We live in a beautiful place with a vibrant and very social community.  But I was now a retired teacher. Society treats you according to your role in it.

So enter Art Therapy. I did a year long course “ Introduction to Art Therapy” in Crawford College of Art in Cork. It was experiential and we kept a visual journal. For the first time in my life, I allowed paintings and images to come out of me, and I paid attention to them, stuck them in a journal, played with various media, doodled for the sake of doodling. It was fascinating to me. I had no idea where this stuff came from. It didn’t feel like me, yet it was coming from me.

Then alongside this was my what I now call “product painting”. A still life class in oils with David Leffel. His work inspired me, what knowledge and skills did he have that I had yet to learn? I wanted to know, so I did more courses, got frustrated, felt restricted, controlled, invariably disappointed with the outcome. And where did the 2 ways of painting meet? They were so different. Where was I in all of this?

I read a lot about creativity in this time, Moon and Allen, McNiff.

Fascinating, yet removed from me, like when you read a self-help book and it feels so unattainable. Cryptic messages about creativity and how to get in the flow. It was there for the art therapy pieces but not when I “got serious”about painting in the world.

I eventually found a very practical guide. A man called Wolfgang in the 1960’s wrote a “creativity mobilisation technique.” It was very practical. Commit to this task for 6 weeks, for 5 out of each 7 days, for half an hour each time. On a big sheet of paper, you will scribble for 2 minutes, then change your scribble, and do another, 15 scribbles in total, let your scribbles develop. It can’t do any harm, and it might tap into this magic called creativity.

Well, I did it. I felt foolish at times. I bought newsprint so I wouldn’t waste good paper! I filled a box with various mark making tools. I kept scribbling. Eventually … (TBC)